25-The Torments of my meditation

At seventeen I started studying the books of Krishnamurti , an Indian sage and scholar, and kept trying very hard for several years to apply his teaching of emptying the mind. I had such a difficult time in my meditation trying to cease all mental activities and wandering thoughts. It seems the more I tried to quiet the mind, the more agitated and rebellious my thoughts would become. The goal of meditation seemed very elusive and I kept failing miserably. Later I would become very uncomfortable every time I meditated with a group of people. I could feel everyone’s struggle to “get it” and the heaviness of endless repression of thought. I practiced Vipassana meditation and followed the teachings of Goenka, a teacher from Burma, who introduced Vipassana to the West.

The Vipassana week-long course I attended were torturous exercises where I forced myself to sit for hours without moving, denying the extreme pain and discomfort of my body. I thought, “Surely this will do me good and will get me closer to spiritual liberation”….!! Eventually, after a few days of this gruesome regimen, I could not stand this torment any longer and I sneaked out of the centre discreetly without telling anyone. I had been smart enough not to give my wallet to the front desk at my arrival, as required by the Vipassana management! Oh Lord what do we have to endure to find You?

The emptying of the mind is one more deception that puts us in a vulnerable position and opens the door for demonic entrance and influence. It can be peaceful but it is a dead, neutral state. I have known good friends who have been practising meditation for decades and are no closer to God than when they first started. It is true, meditation sometimes brings release from anxiety and stress, however true spirituality and transformation doesn’t occur in the blank state of meditation but through a renewal of the mind. It is a dynamic process that involves pure devotion and genuine love of God. It is a fullness, not an emptiness.

When I am full of the exquisite presence of God, I delight in His Grace and I am constantly thinking of Him as well as feeling His love. Suppressing the mind is like removing the wheels of your car to make it work better….!! We need to use our mind to commune with God and to study His Word, and, in so doing, we are reaching into the Great Mind of God. It is a doorway, a tool to draw closer to Him and to love Him.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

and thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength. Mark 12:30                                                                                                            

People have allowed their minds to become very passive through meditative practices. They often are in a state similar to being drugged which is making it difficult to evaluate any new concepts. The mind is sort of like a muscle, it becomes flabby without use and the process of regaining control is painful. Meditation is an escape from pain and reality. It also gives a “high” similar to drugs that come from connecting with the spirit. (see chapter 17).

The goal of meditation is to reach a state of “nothingness” which is considered to be a blissfull absence from feeling either pleasure or pain through the pure extinction of personal existence. In such a vacant state, a void of life, a vacum is created and “life “ from the dark spirit realm is pouring into the empty vessel. Meditation is addictive and must be replaced with prayers and the study of the bible. How sad it is to see so many people freely giving up the precious God given gift of their minds and free wills to demonic control. 

Meditation such as described in Scriptures is not passive and at no time are we told to blank the mind. This practise in the bible involves the active reading, learning and memorizing God’s law and Commandments. Clearing the mind of all thoughts on the other hand is giving up our God’s given sovereignty and our spiritual duty to control every thought. The truth is if we don’t control our mind, Satan will…!

This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth, but thou shalt meditate thereon day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success. Joshua 1:8


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